Why hello there..

So many days have passed since my last post... whether anyone cares i do not know!

Well.. here we are coming to the end of another year. I adore this time of year. Halloween, Christmas, coal fires burning.. the nights drawing in. I love the darkness, outside darkness anyhows.. inside not so much.
Daylight.. i could take it or leave it... :P

And well, i'm coming to the end of this year still in a much better place than i was last year. On December 12th i will have eaten properly for a whole year. Seems like such a simple thing but this will be the first year since i was 15.. (I'm now a fair bit older!!)Fingers crossed i can make it 9 more days!!

Snow has fallen so deep on my little country town, that i am now doing a little bit of hibernating so i may do abit more blooging than usually over the next few days.

I do hope my 9 glorious followers are well and wonderful.

Love to you all

One day i'll fly away...

.... leave all this to yesterday....

Everyone they just take and take until you're just the shell of the person you once were. You look in the mirror and you don't see you... you see them.

I so easy, easy to hate.. but you're so fucking easy, easy to break...

I'm letting her back in.

She keeps me safe.

I am so up and down.

I do things i know i shouldn't.

And there's a part of me thats screaming inside.. screaming for me to stop. That i'm just hurting myself and other people.
I'm letting men treat me like shit.. Daddy issues... pffft. That ain't even the half of it.
I don't know who i am. I don't even know if there's a me anymore.. or whether i'm just a product of the people around me.

You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane
You lock the door and throw away the key
There's someone in my head, but it's not me.

I was drunk.. sleeping with a boy i shouldn't... i could have lost you and i'm sorry i wasn't there. I should have been. On the end of the phone. Telling you i'll love you forever. Telling you, if only i could, i'd take away all your pain...

I love you so much...

The End of an Era...

Today... May 26th 2010.. i had my last counselling session...

It is a very bittersweet day. I have grown so close to Sue, my couseller and i will miss her and talking to her so, so much.

And yet.. i am so excited for the way my life is going and the places it is heading! I have come out of my counselling every week looking at the world and me in a completly different light and way. A better way. I am happy, stronger.. and the fact that my sessions have come to an end is proof that its not just me who thinks this.

I feel so alive.

The world is my oyster...

Summertime and the living is easy...

It has been so long since i last wrote on here, but here i am again..

Buuuuutttt... i'm in such a better place!! :D
I have found a inner peace i never knew i even had within me. It hasn't been easy and i have lots of help, particularly from my mum and a wonderful woman named Sue. She taught me to see the world and me in a completly different light.
Its been over a year but i feel wonderful.

Today, i spent the day reading in the garden, in the glorious sunshine and then this afternoon i practised some hula-hooping!! I am ever inspired by EA and her Crumpets, but Maggie is definately a fave!! :D

I feel free from so much of the trials i have had to face. I like who am i.. Woah.. yes i truly do... :D That is a big thing on its own but the wonderous things its bringing are even better. I'm eating right, enjoying life, my scars are fading..

I have learnt that not everyone will like me, someone notice i'm alive and its ok. Other peoples opinions of me have no value. The only opinion that matters is mine.
The way i feel belongs to me. No has the power to make me feel anyway. That power lies within me and only me.

Life is good.. no great!!

I know i still have bad days but they quickly seem to right themselves.

I am a happy little camper, a faery, a lunatic... my life is wonderful, filled with love and happiness..

Blessed be to you all,
Peace and Love

Tuesday 9th March 2010

This night was the greatest night of my life.... i had the pleasure of seeing my hero -the darling Miss. Emilie Autumn <3>

Arriving at Sheffield Leadmill, i was nervous to begin with. So many beautiful muffins but i was too scared to talk to them.. but when the doors opened all the nerves melted away. The first thing i did was race to the merch stand, where i bought a beautiful VeVa key necklace, a VeVa poster and an Emilie one... And to make it even better Tabby, the lovely lady behind the merch stand was so lovely and sweet. And soooo pretty and cool.. No surprise that EA seems to surrounded herself with wonderful, cool women!!

Then to the stage.. It was so beautiful.. a darling table set up with a wonderful amount of tea-pots, tea cups and plates and plates of cupcakes and cookies. And to the other side.. Emilie divine harpsichord *sigh* An array of skulls and dolls surrounded the bottom. Along with rattys (obviously) and "Beware of Escaped Inmates" sign :D

At around 8pm.. 'Best Safety Lies in Fear' began and out came the Bloody Crumpets, one by one. Cap'tn Maggot, Contessa, Aprella and VeVa... And then Emilie, in her rat mask... *sigh* 4 o'clock starts it... and so it begins...

Opheliac was next.. followed by The Art of Suicide. Emilie was sat in a golden wheelchair whilst Aprella and VeVa had flowers..

VeVa played the Rat Game with a beautiful VKAer called Sophie.. I was only a little jealous.. ok a lot :P

VeVa And Emilie kissed, Aprella and Emilie kissed... VeVa made out with all the Crumpets but she was, of course, tricked or forced!! :)

Contessa was hilarious!! (SHE EATS PEOPLE!!) "She's a cannibal.. and an arsonist.. but mostly a cannibal".. but its ok as we are all different.. DIFFERENT!!

They spat and threw tea, and cupcakes.. Maggy hula-hooped, and walked on stilits (AMAZING!), VeVa did the most wonderfal fan dance.. Contessa ate biscuits the only a cannibal knows how, Aprela is so graceful... and they are all so wonderfully weird, crazy , insane (well apart from Contessa..or so she claims..) and so bloody beautiful, i could have died on the spot... I love them all so much

And then there is Emilie... Emilie Autumn...... *sigh*... no word can describe... I love her...

The night ended much too soon.. and the time went much too quick.. The Asylum Chaser appeared much too soon to catch Emilie and her Crumpets and take them back to there room..

But i went home aglow, buzzing from the night. Proud to be a muffin, a plague rat, a member of the Asylum Army and the VKA.. Proud to be DIFFERENT... hehe.. we all are after all.

Party like its 1841...

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL... TO THE DEATH... NO MERCY

Spread the Plague.....

I may be a fighter but i had escape the fact that i am bored with life...

Boredom will eat you alive

So... are you bored too? I feel it could be the only reason you would be reading my garbled gibberish....

I need a hobby, thats for sure but what??? I have no talents to speak off. And i have the foucs of a goldfish...
I have nothing to be proud off... but then again i'm alive. Yes, i'm alive and that is something to be proud of. I am mist definately not the smartest, nor the prettiest but damn it.. i have survived all that has been thrown at me. So they we have it. I have something to be proud of. I'm a fighter...

I can't do this

I can't do this anymore. I know i need to help my mum out. I know she doesn't have alot of money. WE don't have alot of money. Never have.
But i can't do it.. i can barely leave my house let alone search maddenling for a crappy job. I just need to escape. I need help. And i have noone. I know my mum loves me but i just can't handle her getting at me. Life just isn't good. Life is unfair. I feel numb.

I would like to die.. It would set us both free...

Blah, blah, blah...

Why is it that when i feel sad, i close off?
I can't open my mouth and tell people i'm upset. The words just won't come out. And i can't cry in front of people. I hate being comforted... i am fucked up...
I just need to live in a little cottage in a vast forest, with my cat and my books. Maybe a few art supplies. OH and teabags... i feel i could be happy. No else to make happy, or convince i'm happy. No one i need put on a fake smile for.
I just feel numb... a have no time for people, not even my mother. I would like nothing more than to fade away into nothing... this worries me so much, as i fear it won't be long Ana raises her ugly head. In my worst days with her, its was due to my great desire to fade away from existence.

I am just going round and round in a horrid circle... and i'm not when it will stop. If it ever will. That is the most depressing thought of all. This is who i am??

2010

So, my new year... hmmm?? Well i began it adamant that it was going to be a better year. Parts have been good but i am still letting myself get wound up by the smallest things. I hate that about me.

On the plus side, my friend Ana has been leaving me alone.

On, and i have decided to try and get into modelling again... I have a shoot arrange for a month or 2. Suicide Girl-esque... somethings just seem to good to be true... i'm afraid i'm going to mess up.

I shall have to wait and see...

I'm tired so i'm going to bore.. well... Carby :)

Sleep deprived,
Unable to thrive,
Life passing me by?
Not this time,
This war I shall win,
Just you wait and see,
You play the victim,
That parts not for me,
I was so lost,
But now i am free,
Free to do anything,
Be anything,
And all i want??
To be me...