I may be a fighter but i had escape the fact that i am bored with life...

Boredom will eat you alive

So... are you bored too? I feel it could be the only reason you would be reading my garbled gibberish....

I need a hobby, thats for sure but what??? I have no talents to speak off. And i have the foucs of a goldfish...
I have nothing to be proud off... but then again i'm alive. Yes, i'm alive and that is something to be proud of. I am mist definately not the smartest, nor the prettiest but damn it.. i have survived all that has been thrown at me. So they we have it. I have something to be proud of. I'm a fighter...

I can't do this

I can't do this anymore. I know i need to help my mum out. I know she doesn't have alot of money. WE don't have alot of money. Never have.
But i can't do it.. i can barely leave my house let alone search maddenling for a crappy job. I just need to escape. I need help. And i have noone. I know my mum loves me but i just can't handle her getting at me. Life just isn't good. Life is unfair. I feel numb.

I would like to die.. It would set us both free...

Blah, blah, blah...

Why is it that when i feel sad, i close off?
I can't open my mouth and tell people i'm upset. The words just won't come out. And i can't cry in front of people. I hate being comforted... i am fucked up...
I just need to live in a little cottage in a vast forest, with my cat and my books. Maybe a few art supplies. OH and teabags... i feel i could be happy. No else to make happy, or convince i'm happy. No one i need put on a fake smile for.
I just feel numb... a have no time for people, not even my mother. I would like nothing more than to fade away into nothing... this worries me so much, as i fear it won't be long Ana raises her ugly head. In my worst days with her, its was due to my great desire to fade away from existence.

I am just going round and round in a horrid circle... and i'm not when it will stop. If it ever will. That is the most depressing thought of all. This is who i am??

2010

So, my new year... hmmm?? Well i began it adamant that it was going to be a better year. Parts have been good but i am still letting myself get wound up by the smallest things. I hate that about me.

On the plus side, my friend Ana has been leaving me alone.

On, and i have decided to try and get into modelling again... I have a shoot arrange for a month or 2. Suicide Girl-esque... somethings just seem to good to be true... i'm afraid i'm going to mess up.

I shall have to wait and see...

I'm tired so i'm going to bore.. well... Carby :)

Sleep deprived,
Unable to thrive,
Life passing me by?
Not this time,
This war I shall win,
Just you wait and see,
You play the victim,
That parts not for me,
I was so lost,
But now i am free,
Free to do anything,
Be anything,
And all i want??
To be me...